Today I am faced with grief... remembering my sister and my father in a way that I do not want to remember them.  We don't realize how much "stuff" is left behind when someone dies until we are faced with all of it just sitting there in an empty house.  For some the sorting becomes a chore... a task to be accomplished to wash away the grief.  For others those items are difficult to face so procrastination becomes the grief partner.  For me... it's a theraputic process... lovingly looking and feeling all the "things" that were a part of the daily life of the one that has passed on.  Unfortunately that theraputic process will never happen.  My mother is sorting and dividing up everything without including myself or my siblings.  It's just that she is ready before we are to sort though all of Papa's things and Sue's things.  If it were my choice we (Amy, Andrew, Richard, and I) would all get together and process through all of the "stuff" together.... of course after my Mom removed those items that she wanted to keep.  We need that process... we need that closure for us... we need that time together as siblings.  But our lives are separated by miles and busy schedules... there is no time for us to work through this together so we will have to let go and be OK with the course that life has set us on.

 

It is so frustrating what has happened to our family.  My children have lost both of their grandparents...  Grandpa to death and Grandma to Ohio.  The saddest thing is that I am here with them watching every day as they try to deal with their grief... especially Charles who is older and more able to understand it all.  He misses the times that they (Grandma, Grandpa, and he) used to just hang out... tossing a baseball, playing Uno, working a puzzle... those times are lost.  Now our visits are brief and "formal" feeling because Grandma is not the same and Grandad is someone totally new.  But all of this is out of my hands... I can't bring back the dead or make my mom want to be with her grandkids the way they need her.  I'm not prepared to help my children deal with all this... I'm not ready for it myself. 

 

My mom is here in town now and I want so badly for her to spend some time just "hangin" with the kids... but there isn't time for that.  She has a conference, they need haircuts and to shop for new jeans... life just keeps moving so fast.  I wish I could just pause and regroup.  I wish there wasn't so much drama as we process through everything.  I wish life would stop telling me to "keep moving along".  I want to linger.